Stronger Families - Communication and Intimacy:Part Two
This month we continue our discussion on cultivating intimacy through parenting. This segment our focus will be on some of the common reasons parents struggle to establish effective communication.
Communication is a two-way street that can often feel like a bumper to bumper traffic jam amidst conflict and disagreement. In this article, I will address various causes of congestion in communication and how to safely navigate your way through trouble spots.
1. Poor stress management techniques. Stress is inevitable. There is no denying this, but for many, the notion of stress has a negative connotation. This is not so much due to the presence of stress, but to our response to it. Biologically, stress serves as an evolutionary mechanism that ensures our survival during life-threatening situations – commonly known as the “fight or flight” response. Should you find yourself receiving the unwanted attention of a bear that begins to approach you, a series of biological actions will immediately take place that increase our ability to “run like the wind.” Similarly, when we are triggered by something our partner says or does, the same series of biochemical stress hormones are released, increasing our heart and breathing rate, dumping blood sugar into our muscles, and elevating our sense of vigilance. This hormonal response is amplified by our own emotional reactivity that is usually triggered by feeling hurt, abandoned, or afraid. As such, we will erupt with emotion by tuning out, suppressing our feelings, or projecting them onto the nearest bystander.
When you are feeling triggered, I recommend taking a moment to reflect on what you are feeling. Allow the intensity of the emotion to pass through you like clouds passing through the sky. Once you can find the space between the trigger and emotional response, share with your partner the experience you just had.
2. Inability to listen attentively without waiting to respond.
Sitting on the receiving end of a conversation that makes you feel as if you are in the crosshairs of your partner’s disapproval is not comfortable.
Being still, present, and silent in the presence of discomfort is something akin to trying to tread water fully-clothed. When we feel triggered, we are often quick to respond to fix, defend, attack, or avoid being the recipient of what feels like disapproval and/or disagreement. We would rather act on what is being experienced than sit in the discomfort, listen and learn how to meet the needs of our partner.
This sense of discomfort is a personal invitation to address which part of you is feeling disconnected, rejected, upset or attacked. Intimacy is founded on transparency and access. Listening intently requires us to hold enough space for our own feelings, as well as the feelings of our partner too. We can expand our ability to hold a sacred space through practicing meditation, learning to give yourself permission to process what is being felt before giving a response, and asking clarifying questions to minimize confusion or misinterpretation.
3. Struggles to overcome personal issues with fear, shame, guilt, pain or grief.
Having a counselor or therapist to help navigate this is critical. A professional guide sorts through your internal emotional workings and can effectively hold a mirror to you and help you see the best parts of yourself. By drawing attention to the parts of you that are already whole, strong, loving and courageous, we can address the other areas that are asking for some additional support. While it is natural to feel these emotions, allowing them take hold of you during moments of stress can be detrimental to establishing intimacy and connection.
While in meditation, think of a time in the face of fear when you did something courageous. How did you feel in that moment? Immerse yourself in it completely. Savor the sounds, images, feelings and thoughts you experienced at the time. The next time you are feeling a sense of fear, remind yourself of what it felt like to step into a posture of courage and be the change you wished to see.
Dr. Jeff Thomas graduated from Bastyr University as a naturopathic physician in 2013. His clinical rotations include working with various providers such as clinical dietitians, medical doctors, naturopathic oncologists, chiropractors and naturopathic physicians. In addition to seeing patients, he lectures nationwide about the latest trends in disease assessment and nutritional approaches. He practices in Federal Way at Northwest Wellness Center. Learn more at MyNWWellness.com.
